Here’s what Hall, Schumer and Sykes had to say in the opening monologue.
Regina Hall: We are here at the Oscars.
Wanda Sykes: That’s right. Where movie lovers unite and watch TV.
Amy Schumer: This year, the academy hired three women to host because it’s cheaper than hiring one man.
Hall: But I’m still excited to be hosting, representing Black women who are standing proud.
Sykes: Yes, and living out loud.
Schumer: Yes, yes. And I am representing unbearable white women who call the cops when you get a little too loud.
Hall: You know, we’ve been dealing with Covid for two years. It’s been really hard on people.
Schumer: Yeah. I mean, just look at Timothée Chalamet.
Sykes: Oh God. What happened?
Schumer: I don’t know. It’s not good. It’s not good.
Hall: You know what? I’d still smash.
Schumer: As many of you know, a decision was made to present some behind-the-scenes awards in the first hour.
Sykes: It was a controversial and difficult decision, but you know, I think we’ve moved on. [Lights flicker.]
Hall: Uh-oh, wait a minute.
Sykes: Look, we’re all union.
Schumer: It’s not our decision.
Sykes: You know, there was a lot of snubs this year. Rachel Zegler for “West Side Story.” Jennifer Hudson for “Respect.” And Lady Gaga and Jared Leto for “House of Random Accents.”
Schumer: This is kind of sad; you know what’s in the In Memoriam package this year? The Golden Globes. They didn’t have any Black people. They didn’t have any Black members. They had to go.
Hall: You know, I was very disappointed that “Space Jam” 2 did not get nominated in the special effects category for that hairline they gave LeBron James.
Sykes: Oh my god, amazing.
Hall: It was really good. It was really good.
Sykes: Black Twitter is going to love that one.
Hall: I think so.
Schumer: Yeah, what is that?
Hall and Sykes: No no, not for you, not for you.
Schumer: OK, I’ll stay away.
Hall: You know, this year we saw a frightening display of how toxic masculinity turns into cruelty towards women and children.
Sykes: Damn that Mitch McConnell.
Hall: I know. I know. But, you know, I was actually talking about “The Power of the Dog.”
Sykes: Oh, yes. You know, I watched that movie three times, and I’m halfway through it.
Schumer: You’re at the best part. The best.
Hall: One more week, and you’re in there.
Sykes: Stay with it.
Schumer: Stay with it.
Hall: You know, Samuel L. Jackson is here. Yes, there he is. He just got the Governor’s Award for his lifetime body of work.
Sykes: Eh!
Schumer: Did You just “eh” Samuel L. Jackson?
Sykes: I mean, I love him. You know, he’s my guy. But I’ll be honest, there’s a few holes in his résumé. No, for real. Like where’s the Sam Jackson rom-com? Like where’s Sam Jackson and Jennifer Lewis in “When This Mo-fo Met That Mo-fo,” you know, or the sequel “Bitch, I said I love you.”
Schumer: He likes that. He likes it. [Looking at Jackson.]
Hall: And where’s his musical? “Rent”! “Ho, I Said Where’s My Rent”!
Schumer: I’d stream that. I’d stream it.
Sykes: Well, we’re going to have a great night tonight. And for you people in Florida, we’re going to have a gay night.
Together: Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
Sykes: We’re your Oscar hosts. I’m Wanda Sykes.
Schumer: I’m Amy Schumer.
Hall: And I’m single.
Sykes: Oh, boy.
Schumer: Regina, I mean, it’s not the time for that. And providing the soundtrack for the next hour, give it up for the incomparable D-Nice.
Together: Welcome, everybody, to the Oscars!
Nancy Coleman and Maya Salam contributed reporting.
