One other yr, one other flood of sad endings.
You recognize the drill round right here. The soccer groups stink so dangerous, they make us cry — even whereas we’re laughing at their quarterbacks. Our baseball groups are good; simply not so good as the Dodgers.
The Knicks are possibly the fourth-best NBA group, which can get Spike Lee all excited in Might after which, as soon as once more, all weepy by June. Our hockey groups play in a awful convention, a lot of their very own making. The soccer groups are inconsistent. Our native schools don’t appear keen to wreck their budgets fairly sufficient to win at soccer or basketball.
That leaves the Liberty, once more, as New York’s finest hope for this coming yr. For those who had learn these predictions a yr in the past, you’d have recognized that the Liberty can be the one New York group to win a championship in 2024.
You can look it up, however you’re most likely too lazy.
As you’ll be able to inform, I’ve change into a bit jaded over time. And who can blame me? It isn’t straightforward writing about losers, yr after yr after yr. It’s even tougher for a talented soothsayer, comparable to myself, at all times figuring out prematurely that they are going to be shedding.
Nonetheless, responsibility calls. Right here, in a nutshell, are your scheduled disappointments for 2025:
January
Ichiro Suzuki misses unanimous election into the Corridor of Fame by one vote. Hunt begins for perpetrator, whose DNA is everywhere in the postage-paid envelope and enclosed poll.
Daniel Jones sues NCAA to regain his final yr of faculty eligibility, then indicators with the Georgia Bulldogs for $30 million.
Yankees purchase 17 extra reduction pitchers, hoping to discover a nearer who can really shut one thing. Even a door, for goodness’ sake.
February
Sam Darnold wins the Tremendous Bowl for the Vikings, then dedicates his MVP trophy to Adam Gase. “Best coach I ever had.”
At Jim Dolan’s command, Ranger GM Chris Drury sends out memo to different franchises, saying anyone can now bid for group’s jerseys, sticks, and hockey-stick tape.
Travis Kelce dumps Taylor Swift for Sabrina Carpenter, whose album sits atop the charts.
Decide, Boone, and Rodgers have dinner collectively at Aaron’s restaurant on ninth Avenue. Confused waiter isn’t positive who ordered the Sauteed Triple Delight for $15.95.
Sam Darnold and the Vikings are 14-2. (Photograph by Stephen Maturen/Getty Pictures)March
Yankees open season sequence at residence in opposition to Brewers in frigid temperatures, on Mar. 24, blowing out arms of starters Gerrit Cole, Max Fried, and Carlos Rodon. “It’s good this happened now, instead of right before the playoffs,” Brian Cashman says.
NFL house owners vote for 82-game common season in 2026, with a number of back-to-backs and an in-season match. Gamers union calls for higher on-field ambulance service, in return. Homeowners gained’t budge on the problem.
Steve Cohen buys rights to the Nationwide League standings from MLB for $800 million, clinching a Met division title.
April
Giants choose second-best quarterback in an NFL draft that’s weak in quarterbacks, making certain one other 5 years of sturdy paper-bag gross sales to followers.
Scotty Scheffler fails to correctly get rid of his tee on the twelfth gap at Augusta Nationwide and is arrested for littering.
Some group wins the NCAA males’s basketball match. None of its gamers will probably be again subsequent season, few will graduate, however what the heck. Large rager on campus.
Alex Ovechkin passes Wayne Gretzky’s profession targets whole. To rejoice the feat, Russia invades jap Canada. “Quebec wants independence,” Putin says.
Might
Juan Soto calls for commerce after his prolonged household is refused free cheese fries at Shake Shack in Citi Discipline.
Exhausted Knick starters go to sleep within the locker room and fail to indicate up for second half of Recreation 3.
Hal Steinbrenner loses mood about Yankees’ early droop, says “darn” in entrance of shocked reporters.
Donald Trump orders “socialist” Inexperienced Bay Packers to change into privately owned. Jared Kushner named offensive coordinator.
Sabrina Ionescu and the Liberty have been New York’s solely sports activities champions in 2024 and characterize the town’s biggest hope in 2025, too. (Photograph by Sarah Stier/Getty Pictures)June
Devils win Stanley Cup, crediting Ranger hockey sticks and tape they acquired for 2 barrels of Gatorade.
Ukraine president Vladimir Zelenskyy, in determined want of tank consultants, attends NBA draft and asks U.S. to ship him Internet GM Sean Marks.
Excessive-ranking tennis gamers take pleasure in a steroid sampler occasion after the French Open, as a result of everybody is aware of there are not any actual penalties if you happen to’re within the Prime 20.
Caitlin Clark hits four-pointer from previous midcourt to win sport (new WNBA rule).
July
Development halted on NYCFC Etihad Park stadium, when it’s found the world is being constructed on burial floor of Met pennant hopes.
Novak Djokovic bounces tennis ball 26 instances earlier than serving at Wimbledon, an Open period report.
Nonetheless mired in droop, Yankees change emblem in midseason. The N not interlocks with Y. Two Ys are inexplicably standing atop each other. It’s time for a brand new period, says New Period. Cap gross sales are brisk.
Trump names Aaron Rodgers ambassador to Hasbeenia.
Gleyber Torres is batting .320 for the Tigers and working out grounders. His beard is eight inches lengthy.
It was a tough 2024 season for Aaron Rodgers and the Jets. (Photograph by Emilee Chinn/Getty Pictures)August
Scotty Scheffler is discovered responsible, begins three-year time period in Georgia state jail.
Sabrina Ionescu hits layup at buzzer because the Liberty defeats the Nets to seize Barclays Middle championship.
Woody Johnson ruins and insults unimportant nation.
Orthopedist invents air braces that forestall all leg accidents throughout video games. NFL gamers gained’t put on them as a result of legs look nerdy.
September
Alabama quarterback surpasses Elon Musk’s whole internet value.
Gotham FC commissioner sends out bat sign after three-game shedding streak.
Lakers inform Bronny James he’s being promoted from G League to F League. He doesn’t know there isn’t such a factor.
Steve Cohen decides Mets will play in gold sneakers throughout playoffs. And never simply gold-colored or gold-plated. All gold. Which may very well be an issue.
October
Sabrina Carpenter hangs with the Kelce household in a set at Arrowhead Stadium. “We never really liked Taylor,” whispers Kelce’s mother. Carpenter already figured as a lot.
Yankees start playoffs. No person is allowed to flip calendar web page to October, subsequent to Aaron Decide’s locker.
Researchers uncover that radio indicators inside soccer helmets trigger mind harm. NFL coaches, anxious harm may hinder communication, flip up the amount.
Dodgers sweep Mets in Nationwide League Championship Sequence. Steve Cohen loses $4 billion facet guess with proprietor Mark Walter and in addition should say that Los Angeles has the perfect pizza.
Aaron Decide is pictured in Recreation 5 the 2024 World Sequence. (Photograph by Elsa/Getty Pictures)November
Kristaps Porzingis, Giannis Antetokounmpo, and Victor Wembanyama magically flip into precise unicorns, a lot to the delight of younger youngsters who can’t pronounce their names.
Yankees lose to Dodgers in Sequence, however purchase new promoting sponsor for their uniforms. “And you can expect plenty more changes,” says Brian Cashman, after signing an extension.
Jets mess up the whole lot once more. Don’t even hassle attempting to determine what went mistaken. Actually. It’s not value it. Simply play with the youngsters.
And the Giants are simply as dangerous. Sorry.
December
Complete Rutgers soccer group enters switch portal, then sheepishly returns when there are not any takers.
Main League Baseball considers enacting a Golden Ager rule that may permit a supervisor to decide on when opposing group should area an aged fan at shortstop for one play.
Daniel Jones has tough season. Georgia goes 3-9.
Initially Revealed: December 31, 2024 at 9:00 AM EST
